When It's Over

It's done. Still can't believe that it's done. The all long awaiting holiday is finally over. It was great, such a nice and fun holiday. Totally lost in translation. Getting so much experiences, seeing different places, comparing a lot of things and stuff. Some places are wonderful, but some just so so, not as good as what I've been expecting. It's kind of surprising, though. In a good and bad way. But, overall not that disappointing. The people, well, some people are friendly but some are unfriendly. Just like here. But, the worst is they barely speak english. So it was like a nonverbal communication where we used hand gestures and stuff. Kind of funny, actually. The food is, hmm, so-so, I mean not quite different from Indonesian food but it's kind of make you sick. I ate fried rice almost everyday which take me to the point that I'm done with fried rice from now on. Well, it's my fault anyway choosing fried rice instead of other food. Just because it's safer for my stomach compare to other food. The magic word is 'mai pet', means 'not spicy' since I have a bad digestion and I don't want to spend my holidays having stomachache. Well, now that it's over I'm looking forward for the next trip, whereever it will be. Hope it will be as fun as the previous one.

Uneasy

Why???
Why am i never sure for whatever i decided??? Why am i always regretting things i've decided??? Am i being ungrateful? Am i throwing something precious for what??? I don't even know anymore what i want.
I think i'm goint to cry, it's getting harder n harder. They've been very kind to me n i feel like i've been stabbing them from their back. I dont know what to decide.
I dont know the right decision, i dont even know what's right for me.
I'm still searching for the answers, and i keep asking God, what to do???
I just wish God gives me a clue or a maybe just a wink, like some people say, to help me deciding.
God... is it too late? Am i making a mistake again? :(
God..., please help me.......................

What would you do if you were me?

Seberapa sering orang minta pendapat kita ketika mereka sedang dirundung masalah? Entah itu teman, saudara, atau mungkin kenalan. Pasti pernah kan kita ditanya, “kalau kamu jadi aku, kamu pilih yang mana?” Atau sebaliknya, justru kita yang minta pendapat orang lain. Kalau kita yang ditanya, apa jawaban kita, paling sering sih “terserah kamu.” Jawaban ini selain tidak menjawab pertanyaan juga mengecewakan si penanya. Lalu bagaimana kita harus bersikap jika dimintai pendapat? Agak susah memang menjawab pertanyaan sederhana ini. Kita tidak berada di posisi si penanya, kita tidak merasakan apa yang dia rasakan, berandai-andai pun belum tentu berhasil. Tapi bukan berarti kita tidak memberi pendapat. Kita tetap harus berpendapat. Bukan sebagai orang yang berada di posisinya, tapi sebagai seseorang yang sedikit mengerti tentang dia. Kita ungkapkan saja pendapat pribadi kita, apa yang menurut kita tepat untuknya. Memang kita tidak mengenal dia sebaik dirinya sendiri, setidaknya pendapat kita bisa (semoga) menyadarkan dia dan membantu dia dalam memilih keputusan. Keputusan akhir tetap di tangannya, kita hanya memberi sedikit petunjuk sebelum ia memutuskan. Masalah dia mau mendengar atau tidak, itu terserah dia.
Jika situasinya terbalik, kita sebagai penanya, apa yang harusnya kita lakukan. Haruskah kita menanyakan kalimat di atas? Sebaiknya tidak, karena kita tidak akan mendapat jawaban yang memuaskan. Kita tidak bisa memaksa orang lain memposisikan diri mereka sebagai kita. Hal itu tidak akan berhasil. Kita lah yang punya masalah, bukan mereka. Meminta pendapat mereka itu sah saja, tapi memaksa mereka membuat keputusan untuk kita, itu tidak benar. Kita lah yang nantinya akan menjalani keputusan itu bukan mereka. Yang terbaik bagi mereka belum tentu terbaik bagi kita. Hanya kita yang tahu apa yang sebenarnya kita mau. Mereka hanya bisa membantu memberi pendapat, memberitahu plus minus tiap pilihan, dan memberi saran untuk kita. Keputusan tetap ada di tangan kita. Resiko dari pilihan kita, kita juga yang menanggungnya. Sebelum mengambil keputusan, kita harus bertanya pada diri sendiri, “siapkah kita menanggung resiko?”

About me…

How would you describe yourself? Don’t know? Have no idea? Well, me too. If people asked me how I would describe myself I would have more than five minutes just for thinking. Thinking about what I would say. On the opposite if people asked me to describe my closest friend I would have thousands words to describe her. I don’t need to think. It’s ridiculous I guess. How can we not know ourselves but know about others? I think the funniest thing is because it’s not that we don’t know about ourselves but we are shame to tell others about us. We’re shame admitting ourselves as the persons we are. Sounds confusing? Well, my point is we find it’s difficult to describe ourselves because we are afraid of showing them who we really are. For example if we were lazy person. We would not mention it in our description because we don’t want they know it. We tend to show our good things and bury our bad things. It’s very common.
Now, how would I describe myself? Well, I just have one word for my description. Complicated… Yes I am. I would say that I have a very complicated personalities, I have both devil and angel inside. I can be an angel one day and a devil in the other day. I’m good at pretending. Pretending to be a good listener when I don’t give a damn about their stories. Selfish is what I am, sometimes I put myself on top of everybody else. Who doesn’t? Some people might say they are not selfish, but I don’t buy it. We tend to put ourselves first. May be I am a selfish person but sometimes I can be a humble person too. As far I remember I never show off. I will let them know by themselves not by telling them what I’m able at or what I have. I’m quiet but it doesn’t mean I never talk. I do talk. Telling a story, laughing loudly, I do it too, but only on certain occasion and depend on who’s with me. I’d rather spend my days at home than hanging out with others. I’m introvert and insensitive. I don’t care what they say or think about me as long as I feel secure, I’ll be fine. People say I’m cynical, well I’m not I’m just trying to be realistic. Seeing the world not as it seems but look at something behind it carefully. Not taking for granted for everything is what I’m doing.
Every single day I learn something new. Something new about me. I’m getting to know myself better than before. I find that we were born by knowing nothing and die by knowing everything. It means that we gain our knowledge by living our lives. Including our knowledge about ourselves. As long as I’m still breathing I can describe myself. But…until today that’s all I know about myself and everything…

The hardest thing…

What would be the hardest thing in the world? No, it’s not the job or profession but the thing that we must do. Something like forgiving, forgetting, or else. But forgiving is not the hardest thing for me. It’s something that I can do easily. Don’t believe me? You’d better believe it. The hardest thing is letting it go. I mean it… Letting everything go is not as easy as forgiving. When you lost someone, something, you must deal with the fact you will not be able to see him/he or it anymore. You must live without their present for the rest of your life. Not just that, when you lost an opportunity (whether that is a job or anything) you may regret it. Day by day it still remains on your mind, you keep asking why, why, and why you lost the opportunity. Then you start to blame yourself, punish yourself for everything. When you do that, I would say that you are not letting it go. You don’t accept the fact there is thing that can not be replied. Thing has to be done that way for some reason. You’re not dealing with the reality, in fact your running from it. I do it. Trust me I’ve been in that situation. Honestly, I’m still in that situation now. I’m not letting go everything. I’m running away from the fact that I might not be able to see it anymore to get the second change. I’m punishing myself for everything. Someday I have to let it go, have to wake up and facing it. That day will come but not today…

Not lost just undiscovered…

Why would I use those words? It is a song title by James Morrison, but I’m not going to talk about the song. I don’t even know the lyrics or the song’s meaning. I use these words because I like it. These words represent what I feel about myself, especially what I’m doing. It does mean that I’m lost or missing or something. Well my body is not lost, people can see me, but my soul and my mind, and I don’t know where it is. I don’t know how to say it; I don’t even know how to describe what I feel. I just feel that may be I’m lost… not physically but mentally. But mostly I feel that I am undiscovered. Undiscovered by whom? I don’t know… by them, and by myself. What I mean by undiscovered is not that I’m hiding somewhere and people couldn’t see me. I’m not talking about my physical body, I’m not invisible, and people can see me. I’m talking about my ability, my talent. I’m sure I do have something that I can be proud of. Some talent or ability to do something that can be useful in my work life or my life as a whole. I don’t know. May be I just don’t know where or how to find it. People just don’t see it. It is not lost, it is just undiscovered. Someday it will be discovered by me. I’m still trying to find it. And when the day comes, I’ll show them… that I am discovered. I’ll use it (my ability) to get the perfect job for me. The one suits me most. I’ll find it, and I’ll fulfill my destiny. Hope that day will come…

Judas

One hour before the debate
“How is it?”
“Everything is ready sir”
“Good”
Mr. J smiled at himself. He felt satisfied, tonight is the night, he thought. He was ready for the debate, he was ready to beat his rival. Mr. J imagined himself as the president of the super power country. He would do anything to achieve his dream.
“Sir,”
“Yes, Maxwell”
“I should go now, I’m sure Mr. B is looking for me”
“Go,” said Mr. J.

“Where is Maxwell?”
“Don’t worry sir, he is not here”
“What do you want?” Mr. B asked, looked anxious.
“If they know you’re here, our plan will be in danger,” said Mr. B.
“I am sorry sir, I just want to make sure you know what to do”
“Don’t insult me, I know what to do, now get out of my room before Maxwell come,” said Mr. B.
“Yes sir,” said Damien Bancroft.

One hour after the debate
Maxwell Smith was listening to Mr. B story, but his mind wasn’t there. He was thinking of what he had to do after they arrived at the hotel. They were on the journey to the hotel where Mr. B and his success team stayed in. As Mr. B’s personal assistant, Maxwell was always beside him. He knew all about Mr. B, what he liked, what he disliked. Mr. B trusted him.

Room 302
“It’s a very long day isn’t it Maxwell?” said Mr. B while he sat on the sofa. They were on the hotel room. It was the first class, a very large room with its mini bar. He took of his shoes and relaxed on the sofa. He looked tired. He took the remote and turn on the TV.
“May I get you something to drink sir?” Maxwell asked.
“Yes, please”
Maxwell walked to the mini bar, he took a glass and poured it with water. Then he took something from his blazer. It was a small bottle. He opened the bottle and poured the liquid in the bottle into the water. He waited for a moment until the strange liquid mix with the water.
“You know what Maxwell”
“What sir?” said Maxwell who was standing behind Mr. B
“You can’t trust anybody in this world”
“Is that so, sir?”
“Yes it is”
Maxwell brought the glass in his hand, and then he gave it to Mr. B.
“Thank you” said Mr. B.
Like a thirsty deer, Mr. B drank the water until the glass was empty. Maxwell smiled, his mission was completed. Suddenly, Mr. B touched his neck, he felt something wrong with his neck. He felt like his neck was burning. He asked for help but nothing came out from his mouth. He was in pain, but Maxwell Smith didn’t help him. Then, he stopped breathing.

Room 402
“Sir, there’s a phone call for you”
“Thank you, Damien” said Mr. J to his personal assistant.
Damien Bancroft gave the phone to Mr. J. While Mr. J was talking on the phone, Damien was preparing a drink for Mr. J. It was a cold night, so Damien poured a bottle of wine to a glass. He looked around, he saw nobody, and then he took a small bottle from his pocket. He dropped the liquid into the wine. Having finished talking on the phone, Mr. J sat on the sofa. He took the Times magazine and read it. He was happy because he just heard good news from Maxwell Smith.
“Here sir, this wine could warm you up,” said Damien while he gave a glass of wine to Mr. J.
“Thank you, Damien”
Damien stood beside the sofa, he waited for the reaction of the poison. Nothing happened in the first minute, but the next minute Mr. J felt something. He felt his stomach was burning. He felt like he wanted to throw up. And all of sudden, he throw up, it was blood which came out from his mouth. He couldn’t stop throwing up. He couldn’t ask for help. He stopped throwing up when he stop breathing. Damien watched him died. When he was sure that Mr. J was dead, Damien made a phone call. He called Mr. B to inform the good news. But…, no one answer it.